


Auditory Hallucinations

by collatorsden_archivist



Category: Ashes to Ashes, Life on Mars & Related Fandoms, Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crossover, G - White Cortina, Humor, Time Period: 1973-1981 (Life on Mars), Time Period: 2006-present (Life on Mars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-06
Updated: 2008-04-06
Packaged: 2019-01-20 19:57:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12440502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collatorsden_archivist/pseuds/collatorsden_archivist
Summary: Is he mad, in a coma, or back in time? ;)





	Auditory Hallucinations

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Janni, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [the Collators' Den](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Collators%27_Den), which was moved to the AO3 to ensure access and longevity for the fanworks. I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in October 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the Collators' Den collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/collatorsden/profile).

  
Author's notes: Cracky crossover of doom brought to you by Andy. Except for the fact that I'm the one who wrote it. Crossover with **_Harry Potter_** ; no spoilers for either series except perhaps the conceit of both series. Well, a bit from S1.01 of LoM, I suppose.  


* * *

_INTRO SEQUENCE PLAYS, featuring music vaguely suggestive of magic, but_

_of a modern sort. Perhaps integrating electric harpsichords._

 

 

_VOICEOVER is heard: My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and I woke_

_up at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Am I mad, in a coma,_

_or back in time? Whatever's happened it's like I've landed on a different_

_planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home._

 

 

_INTRO SEQUENCE ENDS_

 

 

CUT TO BLACK, THEN FADE UP ON A LONG, STONE CORRIDOR AND CALCULATED,

 

PRECISE FOOTSTEPS ECHOING DOWN THE HALL. The camera is moving forward;

 

presumably we are seeing from the POV of whomever is walking down the

 

hallway.

 

 

SAM TYLER: What the bloody hell is going _on_ here? Where am I? Why

 

am I wearing these ridiculous clothes? And what's this in my pocket? 

 

 

_SAM TYLER reaches into his pocket, pulling out a long, wooden stick_

_after a great deal of effort; evidently, his trousers are rather tight._

_SAM TYLER then stares at the stick in wonder and horror, poking it_

_experimentally with his right forefinger, eyes widening as green sparks_

_shoot out the end._

 

 

_A LONG BLACK ROBE swirls into view, coming to pool at rest around a_

_pair of legs clad in alarmingly well-cared-for black boots that probably_

_reach at least to the knee of their wearer, to whom SAM TYLER will be_

_introduced in just a moment._

 

 

_THE WEARER OF THE LONG BLACK ROBE grabs Sam Tyler by his ridiculous_

_lapels and slams him into the wall, causing SAM TYLER to see stars._

 

 

BLACK ROBED MAN: I am Severus Snape, your Potions master. The year, I

 

assure you, is 2007---almost dinnertime. And you [wrinkles nose in a

 

distasteful sneer] are about to have a most unfortunate accident.

 

 

_SEVERUS SNAPE pins SAM TYLER against the wall, sneering all the while_

_and looking as though he's got something nasty stuck on his shoe and is_

_trying to pull it off. SEVERUS SNAPE appears to be concentrating very_

_hard on a spot just at the end of SAM TYLER'S nose, which also appears to_

_be giving him indigestion---at least, from the look on his face. After a_

_short time that seems somewhat longer than it should, SEVERUS SNAPE backs_

_away and walks down the hall and out of sight._

 

 

_SAM TYLER remembers to breathe, then makes the mistake of sticking his_

_hands into the pockets of his robes as he tries to figure out what to do_

_next. Instantly alarmed by the warm, sticky mess he encounters, he yanks_

_his hands out in disgust, flapping them around madly before noticing that_

_apparently, unbeknownst to him, his pockets were mysteriously filled with_

_'Oops._

 

 

SAM TYLER: (licking his fingers experimentally) At least they're the

 

right temperature; not too hot, not too cool. [shouting down hallway,

 

half-sarcastically] Hey, THANKS.


End file.
